As I sit here the night before I start my new job I can't help but reflect on the last year.
It was this time last year I fell pregnant with Albie. It was meant to be the start of one of the best journeys I would ever take. Instead it turned out to be one of the worst. But as I go over in my head at how far I've come since then, I feel proud. I'm proud of the woman I've become. If it wasn't for Albie I would never be taking this huge leap into a new career.
I love beauty therapy, I really do, but I've never wanted to compete with all the other beauty therapists around. It was always a bit of a convenience job. I had Lily young and needed something that would work round her, beauty therapy gave me that option plus I enjoyed it so it was always a bonus.
Giving up my job in the salon was a bit of a split decision. I found it really, really hard after having Albie, to carry on at work. I felt guilty for having had so much time off, although now I realise that it wasn't much considering what I had just been through. I carried on, unhappy, and fell pregnant again. When we lost that one I knew I wasn't doing it again. I wasn't putting myself through the feelings of guilt again. I had nothing to feel guilty about, I had done nothing wrong.
I spent two months searching and searching for job after job but I found myself scrolling past any beauty therapy jobs and being attracted to jobs in the funeral business.
I've always liked helping people, even with beauty therapy it was less about making people look good and always more about making people feel good. I loved seeing that look on people's faces when you had finished a treatment and they were happy, relaxed.
I also kept thinking about how I felt when deciding what we wanted for albie's funeral. I felt like we mattered. Like my son mattered to someone. I felt comfortable with this lovely man looking after our baby on his final journey. And it just clicked. Why am I not doing this for other people? I want to give those feelings to others. The feeling that the person who is looking after their loved one really cares. Because I do care.
So I went for it. I applied to a position that sounded perfect for me, always in the back of my mind thinking, it won't be this time, but I knew I wanted it so badly I'd keep trying.
I filled in the application form and felt stupid. I had no experience, all I was was a beauty therapist and young mum. Why would they want me?
A week went by and I was asked in for an interview. I've only really ever had informal interviews before. Interviews for beauty therapist positions are normally about what sort of personality you have so its more like a chat than an interview, if that went well you would then be offered a trade test. So a formal interview was a bit alien to me. I went in trying my hardest to feel confident. I came out with my confidence in tatters. I felt silly. I was asked a series of questions but as I had no experinace in this particular role my answers were based on a totally different job. I just thought there is no way I've got it.
I put it to the back of my mind. Gutted it hadn't gone how I had wanted. Out of the blue I got a call asking me in for a second interview. I was gobsmacked, thrilled, but gobsmacked.
I went for my second interview and got the job. I can not explain how amazing I felt. The start of my new career. A career that I want to progress in. A career that I feel is totally suited to me. I was so happy, and it was all because of Albie.
Some people think I'm mad. Some people think I'm somehow clinging onto death, but I'm not. Death has brought a new life for me. Yes it was the death of Albie that pushed me to go for it, but not because I can't let him go, because I want to give people that feeling that I was given.
I'm ready to start this. I'm ready to jump in with both feet. I couldn't be happier with my decision.
On this occasion, I'm not sure it's fitting to leave on my usual ''life goes on'' so I shall leave on a different note.
Sometimes you just have to take that chance.
